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Sunday, May 24, 2015

Emotions: Mixed feelings.

Emotions: Mixed feelings.
Ever felt like this before? Not knowing the cause of that particular sadness, that particular annoyance in your heart. All you want to do is be alone, cry your heart out and hoping that somehow or rather something, or even someone would come and comfort you.

I'm feeling it right now. 

I admit, I have felt super down before. Depressed, but not to the extent that I'll go crazy or commit suicide- ya know, that sort of path? Somehow or rather, I'm able to get a grip of myself. Every single time I fall into this pit of sadness, at the very end of it, I would tell myself to be strong. Every struggle that I go through in life, I have to be strong.

Being an only kid means alot. People tend to assume that all single child are pampered prince and princesses. At times, I would beg to differ; but no matter how much I persuade them, that assumption is still in their minds. Not all single child are born with a silver spoon.

To me, I'm just an average only child who lives with two wonderful parents in a place I can call home. In fact, to me, being an only child makes me feel as if I have the whole load of responsibility to carry on my shoulders. Yes, I should be responsible; taking care of my family's welfare and being. Though my parents are both retired, and I'm the only one fending for the family; at times to me, it is a huge struggle. Every single time I want to give up, the thought of me being a responsible person to take care of my parents will always pop in my brain. 

Somehow, my parents are my source of hope. The source of which I persevere to live on and go through all my struggles in life.

Honestly, I'm just like any other kid. I admit, at times, I do not quite agree with my parents.. in which leads to arguments and misunderstandings. At times, hatred will boil and I wished that I can grow up faster so that I can leave the house. But then I realised, as I grew older up to this very age; my parents are the burning flame in the darkness. They are the source of light, hope and motivation. I realised how much effort they put in, in raising me up. And when I look back, I realised how childish I was to have that sort of mindset.

But being an only kid, you tend to shun away from public sometimes. You tend to bottle up your feelings- all those useless worries and anxieties. I admit, I'm one of them.

I'm currently struggling and on the verge of breaking apart. I need to rant out my feelings somehow, and I had to turn back into this blog (I doubt anyone reads it anyway). But yeah, I'm stressed. Ugh, tell me who isn't?

I'm holding on to alot of things - too much for my hands to handle. At times I wish I have like 2 brains and 4 pairs of hands, but no. I don't wish to be a monster because of that. 

I've been working so hard for the past month to rush for datelines. Cases after cases, I had to OT for getting it on time. I feel that all the effort I put in for work, its not worth it anymore. It costs my life, my family time, my study time, my freedom.

Yes, I may feel satisfied after everything, but all the sacrifices I make, do you think its even noticeable by my superiors? Is this even worth my happiness? Is this even worth my health? My social life? Honestly, I can feel that my health is taking its toll and its deteriorating. But on the outside, I'm still that crazy happy girl who crack jokes and make fun in the office.

Every single fucking day I work 10 hours inclusive of OT. On a Saturday, I go back to the office as the programme needs to work with the server, so again- OT. To meet datelines, I bring home and work on Sundays. So tell me, is this worth all my sacrifices I make?

I have my other priorities too in life, but I just feel that my workload eats up all the time I have. 

24 hours a day is just not enough.

I need a degree in life, in order to clinch a better pay. I'm trying my best to find alternative part time jobs in order to generate more income for the family. I know deep down, I'm falling apart.. yet I do not know how to describe this feeling to anyone around me. 

I know I can do this, all I need is to believe in myself... believe in Him. Like what Abang always say "For Jesus said, 'Do not be afraid, for I have conquered the world'. You can do it!". 

Of course I can.

It just takes a little bit of faith.

Will all these sacrifices I make worth every bit of my happiness, time and even health?

I guess, I'll just settle down in a corner and cry it out. I'm pretty sure I'll feel better.

Don't hammer yourself, Christine. Just don't.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Matthew 21:22

And sometimes I wonder whether the choices I made in life would give me a better future. At times like this, I ponder about the sacrifices I would and may take. Would it give me a better future? Would it give me the sense of security I want? Would it give me happiness?

At times like this, I feel like breaking down. God knows why I chose to be a workaholic, but at times like this, I doubt myself. I doubt that my experiences I have now, would not benefit my future. I doubt my ability to be a better agent, to be a better colleague, to be a better person at work.

The amount of work piling on and on (if you compare to others, I think I'm entitled for the messiest table award.. lol), due dates being back to back without fail, paper works to be filed and sent to clients, rushing cases which needs to be done within a week or so. It makes me wonder whether people would appreciate my work.

It's funny how I enjoyed my work previously, but now no. I remember when I first shifted departments, I hated it so much. So much to the point that I hide in a corner- my safety bubble. Even up to now, I do hide in my bubble. I don't really agree with the people in my department, I don't really like to mix with them. I'm more of a loner, I guess; because I don't have the same wavelength as them. Whatever they think is right, I disagree with them; and whatever I think is right, they disagree with me.

Thankfully, God sent me an angel to my rescue. Though I'm still within the bubble, off and on I would come out of it because of her. She never fail to cheer me up, and help me when I need to. She has the same wavelength as me, and I'm really thankful for that.

I really hope whatever decision I make; be it work, studies, family or church; I may have the strength to persevere all the way. I know its hard, but if I give my 110% faith in God; I'm pretty sure He will not leave me in a lurch. Though I may at times would need some motivation. . . God conquered the world.. Do not be afraid.