The thirds without you here...

Often I find myself to think of you a little more during the month of June and November.

Never fail in June, do I celebrate and wish you "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Father's Day" early in the morning. Your birthday is just a stone's throw apart to Father's Day. Today, emotions and confusion rise within.

There are moments where I couldn't understand why people just don't wish to celebrate Father's Day with their Dad. It made me feel how unappreciative they are, or do they want something happen to their parents before they only realise how important they are?

I don't wish to live in a life of regrets, but I daresay that I have regrets. So many to the point that I always blame myself for not being a good daughter. There were regrets, and up till today that part of me remained a hole for me to patch it up. What's done is done, and nothing can change the fact that "time does not turn back on its course".

Papa, you do know how much I miss you. I miss you to the point where at times I still wish you were here to be with me, like how you used to. Here with me, listening to my rants about my daily work. Here with me, cracking lame jokes and laughing at it. Here with me, telling me that its just a matter of time before something good comes out of it.

I miss those childhood days where I told you I was afraid to go toilet alone, and you'd say "Papa will steam roller towards the end of the bed and ensure you going into the toilet". I miss those childhood days where we would spent hours watching either CNN or HBO channels (like the World Wrestling Entertainment). I miss those childhood days where every night without fail I would hug and kiss you goodnight.

I'm sorry for not being the perfect child that you wanted me to be. But Papa, I know I have so much regrets in terms of not taking care of you well enough, not spending time with you and focus on other worldly desires of mine, not focusing on my exams when you wanted me to pass, not having a perfect family photo every year on your birthday, graduation photo, and the list goes on.

These will be the many of the thirds that I would have to go through; and there comes the fourth, the fifths, the tenths and so on. Today, Facebook and Instagram seems to be having a "Father's Day" fiesta of posting appreciations after appreciations. But it broke my heart, I wasn't able to celebrate this with my Dad anymore.

Nevertheless, your legacy lives on. Memories will never fade, for no matter what happens; I will still love you. If I have a chance to choose for my next life, definitely I'll choose you as my Dad (and to be more selfish) hoping that you'll live longer than now.

I love you and I miss you Papa. Here's to the many of the third(s) that I'd face.

Happy Father's Day Papa.

I wish you well.

xoxo