Regrets

One thing that I was pondering about in my mind recently was about Regrets.

There's this one thing where it kept disturbing me and eating my conscience whenever I think about my Dad. The only one regret where till today, it hurts me whenever I think about it. 

My Dad, he always wanted me to put effort in studying in order for me to pass all my papers and let him see me graduate. He was constantly reminding me "Pass these papers so that Papa can leave peacefully", but teens remain as teens, words were fallen on deaf ears. 

When my Dad passed away, I was left with my final paper. My revision classes were during the week where my Dad got admitted to hospital. Him being admitted to hospital made me realised that time wasn't on my side, and it hit me hard that I was about to lose him anytime soon looking at his condition.

I still have flashbacks till this very day, back to when he was struggling to let go and follow God. How much tears was shed, how painful it was to let him go. How I kept apologizing to him while kneeling beside him. How I kept telling him how much I love him and at the same time promise him that everything was going to be alright. How I kept assuring him not to worry of anything and that I'll take care good care of everything including Mum.

A month after he passed on, came my final exam. I didn't manage to pass that round, nor the next and the following one. After one year, I finally made it through. One year for that final paper was quite a disappointment in a way, but praise God that it was all done and dusted.

Then it hit me, my Dad's words. Was it to say that he did not leave peacefully because he did not manage to see me pass all my papers? Did he not leave peacefully because he did not manage to see me graduate?

These are my regrets. Taking for granted his love and concerns for me. Taking for granted the time we were left to spend with each other. Taking for granted the rides to work and delicious meals that he cook. Taking for granted to learn all the simple computer tweaks and minor repairs. Taking for granted his words and not pushing hard enough to finish up my studies before all these happened. Taking for granted his presence at home even though he was a man of little words.

But my one big regret that I can never let go of was not letting my Dad to have a chance to see me graduate. Everytime I see a full family graduation photo, I can't help myself to feel sad and think to myself "They are lucky to have their Dad to see them graduate". 

I wanted to have a full family graduation photo. It was my dream. It was what I want to have so that I can hang up on the wall and be proud of it. It will be one of the few family photos that we took in recent years. But, no. Even though I'm grateful to have my Mum together with me in my graduation photo; I can't help to feel a tinge of sadness wanting my Dad to be there.

I'm grateful that my Mum is still around to see every milestone I'm achieving till this very day. But deep down, I really really wish and yearn that my Dad was still alive to see all these achievements and affirm me "I am proud of you". 

I still yearn for him. 

I wish he was here. 

No doubt, the regrets and pains that I can never let go still remains; 

but I'm just a human being who is unable to turn back time.

Regrets are inevitable; live life to the fullest.

Be humble and grateful for every little blessings that we have.